I have been going to the egg doctor ("reproductive specialist," but there has not been a time when we've called her that) for almost two weeks now. The last week I've been there every morning for a sonogram, blood tests, and 2-3 hormone injections, and let me tell you, it has been an EXPERIENCE.
Ladies (and men who've witnessed it), imagine your WORST day of PMS; if you're like me, you're fatigued, quick to snap or so despondent that you're dreading the future for no reason at all. Now multiply that by like, 5, (I was gonna say 10, but let's not get dramatic here, right?) and add the fact that you're moving out of your cozy Brooklyn apartment that took you so long to find, away from two good friends and a city you've just come to feel good about living in, JUST as it starts to get nice out, and then add that, oh yeah, at the end of this emo rollercoaster is the chemo rollercoaster. And what do you get? You get my movie moment, which took place two days ago:
It's 8 pm. After coming home from the egg doctor I had begun crying ("I can't even say whyy--hyyyy-hyyyyyyyy" kind of sobbing) at noon, and after trying to stifle it with a Xanax I decided to take a bath to calm down. I put on Carole King's Tapestry (I was inspired by American Idol. ((Will I ever say that sentence again???))), and filled the tub with burning hot water. I sunk down and took a few deep breaths. And then I cried I think the hardest I've ever cried in my entire life, slumped over in the bathtub as "You've got a friend" played on my laptop.
And in the midst of it, in the midst of the "I want these eggs out NOW" and the "How many more shots do I have to GET" and the "UGH I just remembered I'm doing this because I have the hodge," I thought, "Hmm. If this were a movie, it'd be a pretty tragic scene. Maybe my fiance just died in a motorcycle accident. Or I found out a life-changing family secret that had been hidden for decades."
I just read everything I just wrote and it sounds as crazy as I've been feeling, which is, I guess, essentially the point. I don't think I was prepared to do this. Definitely not for the emotional impact of the hormones. I started off with one shot that we did at home by ourselves, called Follistim. It is sort of like an Epi-pen, and my dad has been the one to administer it nightly. Then during my visits, I began getting another injection called Ganirelix, which is used to suppress ovulation so the eggs don't...get away I guess? And the past four days I've been on Menopur, which is a hefty drug that stimulates egg follicle growth to speed things up. And that was the one that sent me over the egde, I believe. Or it was just the combo of all three. Or who really knows? Maybe I just needed a damn good cry over all this, because yesterday and today I feel a good bit saner.
My mom and I (and my pup Lily) went into Brooklyn and packed the rest of my room up. I'm so glad she came with me, because I know if left alone, I'd have taken a whole lot longer and also allowed myself to get sad about moving. I have moved all of my belongings every six months for about the past three years, (shout out to Dad here, who not only helped me every time, but also helped my friend who's subletting move in yesterday) and I had been in the mindset of rooting myself very strongly in my current place in Park Slope before this all happened. So taking myself out of that room was hard, but I am lucky in the sense that I have an extremely comfty and appealing place to be on LI during treatments.
After that, it was time for a catch up sesh with Jenna, my bff, who had been in San Fran all week for a business trip. I didn't think it was possible for us to get closer, but as she says, "we had a bonding moment" last night. My dad wasn't around to give me my nightly shot, and my mom didn't want to because she was scared she'd hurt me. So half-jokingly, I asked Jenna if she would, and apparently it appealed to her, because she came over with the intention to do it for me. I did try to muster up the courage to do it myself, but at the last moment I couldn't, so Jenna injected my hormones last night. One for the record books.
She didn't get away without feeling the sting of my mood swings, though. We decided to go to Baja (a little Mexican place in town) for dinner, and as we were walking through the parking lot, I announced, unprovoked, "I'm getting a margarita, and it's NOT going to be frozen." And Jenna just looked at me like, dude, who said it had to be? and we both burst out laughing realizing I was trying to start conflict with....no one. After that I was able to put my feelings on the shelf and enjoy a really nice, normal night with my friends. Since I got the hodge, I haven't really gone out or hung out with more than four people at once, but last night my friend Dan had a party, and we broke out the beer pong table and hung out outside. I was able to have my on the rocks margarita and a few beers without feeling the tightness drinking had previously caused in my chest a few weeks ago, and I'm not going to pretend like it didn't make the night that much better, cause it did. It felt like last summer--a little colder, but awesome to be around the same people I've been close to since ninth grade.
Today I got up at the crack of 8 am and journeyed again to the egg doc with my mom. I can't really place a demographic on who goes there. It seems like there's a big mix of single women, single men, and couples. I always think everyone must wonder what I'm there for, since my mom comes with me, and nine times out of ten I look miserable. They were predicting The Retrieval (Caps, it's important, people) to be this coming Tuesday, but it's looking more like Wednesday now. I'm just so ready for this part to be over and to get things moving. I'm supposed to get the port placement and bone marrow biopsy done at Mather Hospital, but the doctor I'm supposed to see has supposedly had to deal with a lot of emergency procedures, and hasn't had a chance to fully examine my PET and CAT scans yet. So I'm also still waiting on those appointments before I can figure out when chemo is, which will let me figure out if I can get to Bonnaroo, Cody's college graduation, and a handful of other fun events I'd like to be a part of.
If this entry seems a lot more frantic and agitated than my first, it's because I am. I'm not going to pretend I'm some sage or super creature that can absorb and handle all the emotions and thoughts that are arising from this. But I will say that my MO for dealing with all this is how I've always dealt with the hard stuff--you gotta have a sense of humor, cause you're done if you don't.
<3
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