Watching the Food Network is almost like eating real food

Well, I mean, not really, but it's a good substitute when the thought of actual food doesn't seem as appealing as it should. Instead of looking at the delectably verdant combo of peas and mint that has cropped up on Giada at Home (twice) and The Barefoot Contessa as delicious, I'm deciding to look at it as... pretty and cooling during this bout of chemo and also the insane heat wave we're undergoing.

Yesterday before chemo I pulled myself together (albeit in the parking lot) and went inside for treatment. There's this responsibility I've found that came along with the Hodge that I touched on in the entry about Cody's grad party; I feel like I always need to be strong so that everyone else around me isn't worrying or I don't cause them pain. This doesn't necessarily pertain to those closest to me, like my family and best friends, who have seen me break down about 97 times over the past four months, but there was no way I was walking into my doctor's office with watery eyes. For one, the nurses have eagle vision, and another, I think literally every single patient in the infusion room has it worse than I do.

But that being said, I realize it's okay to admit when I'm upset or "goin through it" (I forget which friend of a friend uses that phrase, someone refresh my mind?) And that's why this blog is so essential to my well-being. It started out as a way to keep everyone abreast of what was going on without having to constantly be on the phone or emailing, and it has become so much more to me: my therapy, something I can easily do even when I'm not feeling well, and a motivating factor to really look for a job where I can write (hopefully in a manner not unlike this one) once I get my butt better and back to NYC.

Oh my God I haaaaate how Giada says "pancetta" and any other italian ingredients with her self-satisfied "This is how REAL italians say these words" attitude. (And also because I'm jealous that she is italiano and the only fun words us pollocks get to say is "kielbasa".)

Oh, not to bring this entry back down to the dumps, but I was very disturbed by a few things I found out at the doctor yesterday, the first and foremost being that there is a national shortage of one of the four drugs used in my cocktail, called Bleomycin. How my doctor explained it is that Bleomycin used to be how Advil is to Ibuprofen...a version of the generic drug. But then, and I don't know why, Bleo became THE generic, and pharmaceutical companies started to make less money off of it. So they shut down a ton of the plants that made it, creating the shortage. No one on LI who has Hodgkin's is able to get it right now, even though my doctor said he personally tried for days to get me some. I honestly couldn't have landed in better hands, all thanks to my dad.

My Dr. did say that if he had to drop one of the drugs, this would be it. It's also used to treat testicular cancer, and Lance Armstrong's doctors didn't use Bleo in his treatments because it can impair your long-term lung functions, and he's doin pretty well. And he also said there's a good chance I could have it for my next treatments. Of which there are only three.

We also talked a little bit about the side effects of radiation, because I read that it can cause your actual skin to burn. I almost wish I didn't ask about side effects (my usual MO is to get the bare minimum facts, then wait to see how I feel, THEN discuss side effects with my doctor so I know they're not psychosomatic. Also, it does wonders for worrying less.), because I learned after radiation I will be at a higher risk for breast cancer than I was since it's being done to my chest, and it could additionally completely destroy my thyroid gland.

But we're not going there just yet. Instead I am going to my couch to peruse Netflix for a few hours before settling on something I regret halfway through watching it.