How To Prepare for a Hurricane

1. Hear about some hurricane something or other coming up. Curiously check the weather app on your phone. See the little raindrops icon--not even the one for heavy rain--and definitely no little lightening bolts. Hurricane Schmuricane.

2. Overhear the weather channel give what is probably a more accurate forecast.

3. Grouch when your parents cancel your trip to Maine (the only getaway you had planned all summer.)

4. Watch the Iron Giant on Netflix. Weep.

5. Have trouble falling asleep because you're thinking about what a beautiful message that movie sends and how you want to show it to any little kid who will sit still to watch a movie, but then admit you're kinda thinking about the hurricane.

6. Google "Hurricane Irene." Before reading results, open new tab and google "Why are hurricanes named?"

7. Wonder why no hurricanes have been named after yo--Oh wait. nevermind

8. Read that Hurricane Irene is set to hit the East Coast with winds that could reach up to 120 mph. Think about how gloriously the mandevillas you got from Cosco have bloomed this summer. Promise yourself you'll find a dolly or a wheelbarrow tomorrow to get them to the safety of your garage. Remember the goddamn bird bath. Damnit anyhow.

9. Read that you shouldn't go outside if the rain and wind dies down because you're probably in the eye of the storm. Develop (what might actually not be, you guys) an irrational fear about foolishly mistaking the eye of the storm for the end of it and being suddenly swept away into the sky.

10. Text your friend Andrew that. Bristle a little when he doesn't immediately agree that, oh my god, how scary, but just says "I want to watch Twister."

11. Ruminate about reading by candlelight and how it might be a fun!

12. Remind yourself to have your lap top charged--damn flickering givin me a headache y'all.

13. Remember your dog refuses to pee anywhere except her own backyard. Consider creating a small backyard-esque scene in the garage. Fleetingly wonder how much five feet of sod would cost.

14. Remember the earthquake yesterday, when you were at the beach with your mom and she made you guys leave "in case a tsunami hits!" and you acquiesced because it was her birthday but also, yeah, what if it DID?!

15. Realize that maybe, just maybe, over-reacting to potential natural catastrophes is just another trait you picked up from your mother, like freaking out when people use metal utensils on non-stick pans or buying jewelry at Chico's. Also that it's time to go to bed.